13 Takeaways of 13 Years of Marriage
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Today, my husband, Michael, and I celebrate 13 years of marriage. You got that right. We were married on April Fool’s Day. And you know what? We never forget our wedding date.
We got married at the ripe age of 22 and 21. Those two young kids had a lot of growing and learning to do. We have created so many memories together and have gone on some exciting adventures. Has it been a fairy tale? Far from it. We have gone through hard times and put each other through a lot. But I can honestly say that today, we are more in love than ever. We know each other. We see each other. We accept each other despite our weaknesses. God has done quite a redemptive work in our marriage and I am incredibly grateful.
13 Takeaways from 13 years of marriage
I am no marriage expert. My husband and I are still learning and growing. Below I share 13 things that I have learned through 13 years of marriage.
1. Marriage is hard
Marriage is hard and that is not a bad thing. My parents divorced when I was young so I did not see a healthy marriage first hand. I looked at other’s example in my church. From the outside looking in, of course, things looked great. That is the marriage I wanted – a fairy tale. When we got married and reality hit and things were hard, it caused a lot of self doubt.
“Why isn’t our marriage happy all the time?”
” Why are we struggling to communicate?”
It wasn’t until much later in our marriage that I learned- All marriage is hard. Life is hard. There are also times that we make it harder for ourselves by the choices we make. Taking two sinners and asking them to work as one does not come without struggle. But you work through those struggles and you grow.
2. Give more grace and try not to get easily offended
This is my husband’s response when I asked him what he had learned in 13 years of marriage. When you are dating, so much of your time and your energy is focused on one another. Then when you get married things shift. You are tackling life together but often you are not spending as much time nurturing the relationship. Life gets busy, add in a couple kids and its the perfect recipe for feelings to get hurt. Always assume the best of your spouse. Give grace to them when they do not respond in a loving way. Do not take things personally. Love them through whatever they have going on in their life.
3. Forgive easily
This point follows right behind the last. Forgive easily. Do not hold onto things. Do not let their tab stack up. Communicate hurt and misunderstanding and then move on. And while we’re here, say you’re sorry. I am not the best at this. But the quicker I put aside my feelings and apologize for my actions, the quicker we can resolve any issues and move towards oneness.
4. Continue to Grow
Continue to grow. Both together and apart. I don’t care how old you are, you’re not done growing.
“It’s just the way I am. Accept it!”.
That attitude is one of my biggest pet peeves. Continue to grow. Continue to evaluate what your spouse needs and try to be that for them.
5. Listen to One another
Truly listen. Sit down. Put all distractions away. Look each other in the eye and listen. More than listening to the words, listen to the person. Pick up on what they are really saying. Do you best to remember what they tell you. If they share a hard time with you, follow up. Pray for them. Check in. Someone listening to me is one of my biggest love languages.
6. Date Each other Regularly
Weekly dates are a must around here. Some weeks we get a babysitter and enjoy a night out on the town. Some weeks we check the kid’s in at the gym childcare and play some pickle ball. Other weeks, we order takeout after the kid’s go to bed and watch a movie. The important thing is taking time for one another. I have written several blog posts to help spur some more ideas.
I am also going to tuck this in here. Getting away with your spouse is so life-giving for your marriage. Whether its a week away on a romantic beach or a night away in your local town, both can be a great was to reset and enjoy some one-on-one time.
7. Love Selflessly
It is so easy in this world to focus on self. ‘Self love’ is preached so hard. I do subscribe to loving yourself and being confident in who you are as a child of the King. But there is too much focus on self. Fighting for what you deserve, making sure no one is taking advantage of you and that you are working towards what you want out of life. If we focus so much on self we often forget to love those around us. Marriage makes it especially hard because you both see each other’s worst parts. It’s easy to focus on those and have the attitude, ‘If he’s not going to put in any effort, then why should I…’ That is just not a healthy place to be. We need to put our own wants and desires aside and fill the needs of our spouse. Take the time to study your spouse and love them in a way that resonates with them. If you need help in this area, I highly suggest you take the 14 day Marriage challenge to get the ball rolling.
The Five Love Languages is great resource!
8. Support one another
Support their dreams. Support their goals. Help make them happen in any way you can. Hang with the kids so that they can get their workout in. Let them work late without guilt to finish that project. Have goal planning sessions and hold each other accountable.
9. Find things to do together
My husband and I have started to workout together a couple times a week and we love it. It is a great bonding time and we both work towards our goals. We enjoy being active together. Find something that you both enjoy doing and make time to do those things together. Saturday farmer’s market, Sunday brunch, reading together, cooking together, gardening, just to give a few ideas.
10. Communicate
Communicate. Communicate . COMMUNICATE. Not only communicate but put in the work to get better at your communication. Communicate about everything. Communicate throughout the day. Set couple meetings to communicate through problems and schedules. Communicate any hurts. Communicate appreciation. Share areas that your spouse is doing well. Tell them how they are loving you well. I’ll say it one more time. Communicate.
11. Set reasonable expectations
Set *reasonable* expectations. Key in on the reasonable part. Once you have your expectations aligned with reality, share your expectations. Your spouse is never going to meet your expectations if you do not…., ok I’m going to say it again… your spouse is never going to meet your expectations if you do not communicate them, Then, let them know how they meet and exceed your expectations. How will your spouse know when they are doing a good thing if you don’t let them know.
12. Enjoy Life
Enjoy the life that you have created together. Take time in the evening to sit and connect. Enjoy time on the weekend just being free and being together. On date night, table all the junk going on, and just have fun. Enjoy your life. It goes too quick.
13. Prioritize Your relationship with God
Last but definitely should have been first, your relationship with God. When your relationship with God is put on the back burner, your relationships suffer. You do not respond well to one another and can be just plain selfish. When you and your spouse are both chasing after God you will also be drawing closer to each other.
My husband and I will be on our way to Jamaica in two weeks and we are beyond excited. Taking my own advice and getting away with my boo. I am always a little, eh, about leaving the kids but I know that time away is worth the sacrifice.
Let’s chat in the comments. Tell me how long you have been married. I’d love to hear what you resonate with the most. What would you add to this list?